2 Crazy Dogs

I sent the following e-mail to my family three years ago. This should
give you an idea what we live with, day in and day out.

Cherise urged me not to send this email, but, at risk to life and limb, I am doing just that.

Today, with the weather being nice for the first time in ages, we decided to take the dogs out to a nice, open field where they could run. We loaded up with dog treats, water, frisbees, etc., and got the two monsters into the car. We weren’t too worried about Shiner Bark, who is always good about staying close to us. Mallory, however, has always been a major flight risk, and when she takes off, Shiner is not far behind. The key, therefore, was to keep Mallory close, so we hooked her up to a 20-foot line that we could step on if
it looked like she was going to head for the hills.

We went to the school just down the street from our house, opting to stay here rather than brave the crowds at a public park. There were children at one of the playing fields there, but another was deserted, so we unloaded the dogs there.

I noticed almost immediately that Shiner wasn’t sticking as close as he normally did. I had to call to him sternly to keep him from running into the street straight away, but soon we were headed for the open field, I with an armload of frisbees and the two dogs with a winter’s worth of pent-up energy.

As Cherise finished getting our dog supplies together, I made it to the field and stopped to throw the frisbee to Shiner. I called to him, but he didn’t look back. Nor did he stop. In fact, he accelerated at an alarming rate, with Mallory close behind, and soon both dogs had disappeared in the distance.

I ran after them as fast as I could. Unfortunately, I was wearing a pair of cheap moccasins. These were intended to be worn around the house on lazy afternoons; they were NOT the footwear of choice for an overweight,middle-aged man attempting to chase down a couple of lighting-quick border collies through the streets of suburbia.

(Yes, it’s time I admitted that’s what I am. If today’s experiences haven’t convinced me of that, nothing will.)

As I approached a nearby intersection, I spotted them disappearing around a corner. I kept up as best I could, sucking wind like I hadn’t done in years. I only hoped that Cherise was paying attention and had the presence of mind to follow us in the car.

As I continued to run, I kept coming across small gaggles of children,frozen in place, staring down the street in the direction the dogs had gone, their jaws hanging open in astonishment. “Oh, God, what have they done?” I thought. Soon, fortunately, I saw that they had hit an impassible barrier: A yard with a chain link fence and two dogs behind it. Both of my dogs were now racing back and forth along this fence, greeting their distant
cousins in what seemed to me to be an unnecessarily loud and enthusiastic fashion.

I caught up to the dogs and tried to step on Mallory’s twenty-foot line, but unfortunately a border collie can traverse twenty feet in far less time that it takes an average person to lift his foot and put it down. After she zig-zagged a couple of times, I managed to catch the tail-end of her leash under my foot. Mallory reached the end of the leash quickly and was yanked backward, her body flying up in the air like some physics-challenged cartoon character. She is fortunately used to this sort of thing, and quickly bounced back, grinning at me with her tongue hanging out.

Now to corral Shiner, whose loyalty and obedience I had, apparently, severely overestimated. I called him over, and he came immediately. This would have been commendable if he had actually stopped when he got to my position, but he kept going, forcing me to repeat the maneuver again from the other direction. A couple of times he ran out into the street after some kids on bicycles, and it was all I could do to try and keep him in the general vicinity and out of danger. Finally, I remembered the frisbees I had been carrying. I threw one for him to catch, which he grabbed enthusiastically and ran around with in random circles, completely forgetting, as he often did, the whole point of the frisbee game.

Finally, he tired of playing by himself and brought the frisbee back to me. However, he studiously avoided getting close enough for me to grab his collar. Instead, he stopped a few feet away and flicked the frisbee in my general direction, so I could throw it again.

Just then, a vehicle pulled up the curb right next to me. Before I could say, “who is this idiot?”, I realized it was The Cavalry — Cherise and her mini-van. With Shiner momentarily distracted by this, I quickly grabbed his collar. Soon, I managed to get both dogs into the van. I collapsed into the passenger seat, gasping for breath.

“OK, that didn’t work,” Cherise said. “Where to now?”

“Home!” I said simply. I was done for the day.

The moral of the story: There really isn’t one. However, I fully believe that border collies are assistance dogs just as valuable as those that help the blind and disabled. Our disability is reaching a point in our lives where there is a risk of becoming dangerously sedentary. That’s almost impossible with Mallory and Shiner around. Even without extreme examples such as today, it’s a constant roller-coaster ride.

So, there you have it. If this is Cherise reading this, please forgive me for ignoring your explicit instructions not to send this email.

(She always does.)